2007 ACC Preview Part One

March 31, 2007

Hope springs eternal on practice fields across America on the eve of a new off-season. Starting positions will be won and lost; some dreams forged, others shattered; and the Fulmer Cup standings are just beginning to take shape.

And so to completely destroy these fleeting notions of peace on Earth and goodwill towards men, I offer up this team-by-team analysis of the most hilarious, unpossible BCS conference around, the ACC. I’ll be doing this in four installments of three teams each, because let’s be honest, there’s only so much horseshit that even fans of teams in this conference can consume in one sitting.
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Carson Butler Fights For His Rights

March 30, 2007

University of Michigan starting tight end Carson Butler was recently kicked off the team, along with teammate and friend Chris Richards. Why? According to the Michigan Daily Butler and Richards attacked a fellow student for ‘no reason.’ Yet the paper goes on to explain that not only had the student asked to borrow an iron, but he had allegedly “talked crap” about Richards in class. I’m no psychologist, but those seem like just the kind of aggressive actions that could cause a finely honed athlete like Mr. Butler to fly into an uncontrollable rage.

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The How-to Guide to SEC Contempt

March 30, 2007

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, chances are you are a fan of a school in the only conference that matters, the Southeastern Conference. The Floridas, Tennessees, Georgias, Auburns and LSUs of the world, and sure, the Mississippis, South Carolinas, Kentuckys and the Mississippi States are teams that every fan should be proud of and hold to the highest standard against the best of any other conference (If you are a fan of Vanderbilt, you have nothing to be proud of). In order to get you fully prepared to talk down to fans of other teams in other conferences, follow this easy guide, and you too can claim close-minded superiority.

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BREAKING NEWS: NCAA Adopts Salary Cap

March 29, 2007

INDIANAPOLIS – NCAA President Myles Brand announced today that as part of the new Collective Bargaining with the NCAA Players’ Association, a Salary Cap will be instituted beginning in the 2008 season. Details of the agreement, including the cap figures, are not available at this time. Read the rest of this entry »


Mailbag

March 29, 2007

Dear Hell 2 Da Naw,

I come reporting terrible news. Rice University’s football games are simply out of control. Their fans’ rowdiness, heathenry, and general impiety is so terrifying that I have vowed never to return to their den of sin campus. Now, in my twenty years as a superfan of Big XII powerhouse Baylor, I’ve seen some pretty crazy things, trust me. But nothing could prepare me for the myriad sins of the Owls. Read the rest of this entry »


On The Recruiting Trail: Special Guest Angelina Jolie

March 28, 2007

Poverty-stricken Noel Devine

This is Noel Devine, a poverty-stricken young man from the ghettos of North Fort Meyers. He holds the high-school rushing records for both yardage and touchdowns for Lee County, and with your illegal booster donations to Noel, you can help recruit him for mere thousands of dollars a day.

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The Five Worst College Bands

March 28, 2007

You know that familiar sound that comes from the stadium as you stagger towards it just as the game starts? Those drums you hear as you’re pissing into the trough during halftime? Those non-Zombie Nation songs that play during the game? That is your marching band. They dress like retards and take up a whole section of seats that are way better than yours. We have taken the time to carefully rank the five worst marching bands in existence.

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