H2DN Special Event: Conference Draft

A constant discussion in the offseason is how to best reorganize the conferences. “Notre Dame should join a conference.” “The Big Ten should get a 12th team and get a conference championship game.” “[Insert conference here] should get rid of any shitty private school like Northwestern, Vanderbilt, or USC.”

To help pass the time we decided to set up a draft to create 7 elite conferences in D-1A. Each of the current BCS conferences gets a pick, as does one Mid Major Superconference. Each conference gets to save 3 teams. The remaining 9 teams per conference will be determined through a draft. With only broad geographic limits, and the rule that the Mid Major conference can’t pick a recent BCS bowl participant, we proceeded.

Today we present the 3 saves of each conference, including each writer’s justification. Check back in the coming weeks as we reveal the rest of the draft.

1. ACC – proteus4994

When someone comes up to you and says that you can save three teams in the ACC and have to give up the rest, the time spent calculating which three teams you want to keep is only slightly longer than the time that I would spend pondering whether I should accept Jessica Alba’s offer to sleep with me.

(note: These aren’t in any particular order)

1. Miami has a great program, a new head coach who’s going to (hopefully) get things off on the right track, and talent up the wazoo. In the final years of their Big East membership, they were conference champions more often than they weren’t, and I believe that the 2002-2003 championship game between OSU and Miami set the record for most future NFL players in one college game (if I’m wrong on that, don’t bother telling me, because I really don’t care). Point is, Miami is really good, mmkay, and Randy Shannon can only make the team better.

2. Florida State is pretty much the Miami of the “old school” ACC. Just as Larry Coker pulled down his pants and shit all over what Butch Davis had spent years building up for Miami, Jeff Bowden took it one step further and anally violated the program that his father had made famous. But now that he’s gone, the coaching lineup at Florida State is nothing short of amazing (as long as Bobby Bowden’s senile drooling doesn’t smudge the playbook). Unfortunately for fans of other teams in the conference, we could be looking at the USC of the ACC in the next few years.

3. There’s really nothing that can be said about Virginia Tech that hasn’t been been witnessed by America time and time again over the past ten years or so. A consistent top-25 team, Virginia Tech knows extremely well how to come charging out of the gates in a dominant fashion in September, only to smack head-first into a brick wall in November and December. That being said, VT and their pact with the devil that resulted in Bud Foster not taking a head coaching job somewhere else has been performing impressively well in the ACC, mainly due to Miami and FSU really sucking it up recently. Once Frank Beamer’s neck alien convinces him to fire Bryan Stinesping and replace him with an offensive coordinator that doesn’t rival Jeff Bowden for ineptitude, VT has a chance to become a national championship level team.

2. Big XII – Tomek

1. Texas: Ah, the flagship of our conference. Texas is the delegate chosen to represent the Big XII in the BCS year in and year out. Following strict Big XII tradition, Texas’ schedule will be filled to the brim with cupcakes to ensure an undefeated season. The one yearly exception, of course, will be the most prestigious out of conference matchup in the nation, the Red River Rivalry.

2. Texas Tech: In an effort to reach out and capture the younger generation, the Big XII decides to save the “Playstation offense.” With Mike Leach button mashing the controller, the conference can maintain a firm grip on every passing record within the 48 contiguous states of America. Furthermore, Texas Tech provides the Republic of the Big XII with a navy, a meteorological service, and tortillas.

3. Texas A&M: The other teams in the conference bring talent to the field; A&M chooses to provide the intangibles. What’s not to love about the little brother of our conference? A&M might have more history and tradition than the rest of the conference put together, but until it learns to take itself a little less seriously during its down years, we reserve the right to bully them, call them mean nicknames, and give them wedgies.

3. Big East – settes

1. West Virginia: A logical choice here. Here’s a team with a tremendous chance to become the next Miami. Not in the multiple National Championships and Heisman awards way, but more in the “We’re Most Ashamed Of Our Alumni” way. Obviously, Pacman Jones and Chris Henry are the front-runners for this recognition although there are some elder statesmen in Mike Vanderjagt and Todd Sauerbrun, the two biggest asshole special teams players in history. We have great hope for them here at the Big East Conference. In fact, we have our fingers crossed that Noel Devine decides to show up.

2. Louisville: Ah, the newcomer to the conference. Shouldn’t we feel obligated to take a team who has been with us since the beginning? These guys have only been here for what, two years? Why not take a team that’s been loyal to the conference, one that was inexorably linked to the creation of the conference, like Pittsburgh or Syracuse? Because they suck. Hard.

3. Rutgers: A dark horse candidate here. Many questions linger for the 2007 season. Was this past year a fluke, or can Ray Rice and Coach Schiano keep this underdog team from New Jersey in the national spotlight and Top 25 over the next upcoming years? Hell no. But c’mon, who else can I take? Cincinnati? South Florida? UConn? Syracuse? I am quite literally out of options here. In fact, I originally tried taking a non-football member of the conference. Yes, I would rather have a school whose best football team is comprised of freshmen who play with a Nerf ball in the hallways of the dorm than the Scarlet Knights. You know what? Fuck it. I’m taking Georgetown. GO HOYAS WOOOOOOOO

4. Mid-Majors – David Klingler

1. Boise State is my western school. Can’t make a mid-major superconference without Boise now, they’re too super-amazing right now – five WAC titles in a row and probably would win the next fifteen, one BCS win, a #2 ranking among non-communist college football fans, and an upcoming Disney movie are what BSU brings. Word is last week, Oklahoma’s dignity tried to break out of the blue turf it’s buried in, but some farmers poked it a few times with pitchforks and it laid back down. Expect the turf under the 50 yard line to be cemented.

2. TCU is my central school. TCU switches conferences more often than Alabama fires coaches, so they’re a good pick to force into a conference. Besides, they’re pretty good and produced, like, the best football player ever, LaDainian Tomlinson. On the field they’re just okay, but they’re a Texas school and Texas leads all states but the city of Gainesville, Florida in football prowess, and uh something about recruits.

3. ECU is my eastern school. Boise and TCU are the good teams of the trio, but like Texas A&M, ECU brings some important tools to the Superconference:

1. ECU hates having to be stuck with the lowly, ghetto, ghetto rats in Conference USA and is incredibly jealous of the Big East. In the Superconference, they’ll get to prove they nearly didn’t belong in C-USA.

2. As an extension, they serve as a doormat and an easy mark.

3. Thirdly, ECU brings the heat better than any mid-major, and while Carolina BBQ is alright, I mean ECU girls blow away the rest of the mid-majors’ silly coeds. If there was a hotness BCS, they’d be in the SEC by now. ECU gets this by in a unique position because while they’re in North Carolina, UNC and Duke are for smarties and gays and all the ugly people go to NC State. So, that means all the dumb and hot chicks have to go to ECU to stay in-state. With the amazing ECU coeds, keeping up with the higher payroll of the other conferences is easy as long as someone distracts the NCAA.

Why no Notre Dame? The Midmajor Superconference needs teams that can win when it comes down to it, dammit, not be hyped to hell and then lose. We thrive in darkness when someone ignores us for not having enough payroll. It’s like the Kansas City Royals, but with fans. ECU’s our doormat anyways, dammit. Go be a beached whale in the Big 10.

5. Pac 10 – Michael McDonald

1. Southern Cal: Everyone hates them, but their success has been something no one can ignore since the turn of the millennium. Pete Carroll is going to continue to recruit 9 Top 100 RBs every season and line them all up at linebacker and safety. Is this eventually going to bite them in the ass and allow top talent to go elsewhere in hopes of getting playing time at the position they want to play and were recruited for? Fuck no, these are dumb 17 and 18 year old kids, all they care about is USC IS NUMBER ONE THREE STRAIGHT NATIONAL TITLES WOOOOO

2. Oregon: Always seeming to be just barely in the mix, the Ducks provide a team that is able to pull in top recruiting classes and plenty of 8 win seasons. Their coach is a whiny asshole, which will make for plenty of national exposure as ESPN will come racing to him to see what his latest beef is and why he’s decided to buy a billboard in Times Square telling people to vote Dennis Dixon for Heisman. Or maybe Brady Leaf. Who cares. Really, the only reason they’re here is because I got sent a free pair of Air Jordans for including them.

3. Washington: The history is there, and up until recently, they were one of the schools people would think of when they thought of good west coast football. Improving after a terrible 3 year stretch which is all Rick Neuhisal’s fault. A top-40 class after a 5-7 season that was riddled with injury should lead to good things in the future. Plus, who the hell else am I going to take? Oregon State? Stanford? Either Arizona school? Yeah, right.

6. Big Ten – Shooter McGavin

1-2. Ohio State and Michigan: No-brainers here. And no, that’s not a critique of the players’ GPAs. These two teams are the class of the conference. There is never a time that both have had bad years at the same time. They continually prove their dominance year in and year out, never losing to Northwestern and never blowing their first out of conference road game.

3. Wisconsin: This pick was significantly more difficult. I went to process of elimination for this one. Iowa? Fuck them, those underachieving cornfuckers. Someone else can take their future NFL busts and mediocre QBs. Penn State had a strong case as well, but I still have some bitterness over all the shit I have to hear about the “Big 11” ever since they joined. I’d rather let Zombie Paterno eat the brains of the Big East.

7. SEC – SEC Speed

1. Alabama: Self-Proclaimed 100-time national champions, the SEC would be nothing without these Crimson NCAA violations with helmets. Lesser choices Auburn and LSU were skipped because, well, neither coach is the second coming of Paul “Bear” Bryant like Nick Saban is. That, and Tyrone Prothro is AWESOME. Plus, we here at the Southeastern Conference are not going to inflict Tuscaloosa on anyone else.

2.Tennessee: Because there’s no fight song (kind of) like motherfucking Rocky Top. Everyone else went with homer picks, so I might as well. The Vols are the save here because they have the man who embodies everything that’s wrong with SEC football: Phillip Fulmer. Be it letting his players pillage, kill and rape Eastern Tennessee, or tattling on other coaches, he’s the man who started it all in the SEC. Its not called the Fulmer Cup for nothing, folks. Also, any team with a player named Jim Bob Cooter gets an automatic pass.

3. Florida: TEBOW TEBOW TEBOW TEBOW. As this man has already been accepted as white Michael Vick, Florida is ready for a quarterback whose gimmick takes teams off guard, then settles into his main two talents: Running left out of the shotgun, and the dreaded 5 yard pass. Florida’s deal with the devil keeps them in the SEC rather than the cupcake Big East like they wanted. Another part of that deal is that UF has to wear those uniforms with the orange sleeve. You know the one.


2 Responses to H2DN Special Event: Conference Draft

  1. SEC Speed says:

    So now we have two Big XII’s. Fantastic. Shooter, change the name of the conference for God’s sake. How about the “Shit the Bed Conference”?

  2. […] Draft: Round Two Introduction/saves Round […]

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