After making our saves, it came time to hold the actual draft to fill out seven twelve-team conferences. The order was based on the final 2006 ranking of the champion of each conference. The first round was held in reverse order, and the rest of the draft proceeded in a serpentine fashion.
Without further ado, let’s get this thing started with the ACC’s first pick:
1. ACC – Auburn: I wanted to take a SEC powerhouse, and LSU was really too far west to justify being in the ACC (this one’s stretching it enough, although no more than Virginia Tech). The importance in taking a team like Auburn is both their ability to provide more stiff competition in the ACC, and the added bonus of making all of the other ACC’s football players seem like geniuses in comparison. Tommy Tuberville will also provide the coaching legitimacy that the ACC has been lacking for so many years. Both a great football program and a gateway into recruiting in that part of the country, which has been on SEC lockdown for a long time.
2. Big XII: With the second pick in the conference draft, the Big XII selects Louisiana State University. After the majority of Katrina refugees relocated in the state of Texas, a large number of former SEC fans have found themselves stranded in Big XII country without a team to cheer for – until now. Although this move is not projected to increase ticket sales or TV shares at all, the Big XII feels that this will generate positive momentum by being the feel good story of the year. Furthermore, LSU’s Les Miles is now back in his comfort zone as the head coach of a second tier Big XII program.
3. Big East: Ladies and Gentlemen, Notre Dame has a home. While the Big XII can afford the luxury of picking a team that will “generate positive momentum” the Big East needs those ticket sales desperately. We can’t supply an entire conference off of ticket sales to the Big East Basketball Tourney! We need football money. And Notre Dame has a lot of that. So damn the choking in clutch situations and damn the asshole fanbase. No longer will the Fightin’ Irish be feasting on mid-major cupcakes when it can feast on Big East cupcakes! Plus, we’re severely lacking in asshole quarterbacks since Virginia Tech and the Vicks left. Jimmy Clausen, here we come!
4. Mid-Major SuperConference: The first mid-major pick is Nebraska. History hasn’t been kind to Lincoln as of late, but the Superconference will be able to bring Nebraska back to the national spotlight faster than ever before – granted someone from the old Big 12 can beat Boise State. Nobody will be able to touch the tradition that is Nebraska football – the Huskers don’t need trickery, deception, or seductive coeds (though it’s got those) to win, they simply need a running game and for Frank Solich to be as far away from Lincoln as possible.
5. Pac 10: On that note of being unable to beat Boise State, the Pac 10 welcomes Oklahoma into the mix. The tradition is there, with the longest winning streak in college football history, and you know that they’re always going to be a top 25 team. Plus, who doesn’t love the musical stylings of the Sooner band as they play Waka La…I mean Boomer Sooner after every time the ball is touched by a person in the stadium? They’ve already got a natural rivalry started with the Ducks and have managed to piss off the Huskies with their president seemingly not wanting to play a Pac 10 team again. Plus, they got murdered by USC in the second of their thirty-seven consecutive national titles. It all works out perfectly!
6. Big Ten: The hits just keep on coming for the Big Ten. With more attractive options like Notre Dame, Nebraska, and Oklahoma off the board, we must turn back to a school we were once prepared to abandon, the Penn State Nittany Zombies. There’s a lot of tradition at this school, including Joe Paterno’s ability to restore the team to glory, like a Phoenix rising out of Arizona. There is a built in rivalry with Michigan for “fuck phone booths, how many people can we fit in a grotesque monstrosity of a stadium?” Of course, doubts linger about the future of the program after the retirement/death of Paterno – oh, who are we kidding, that old bastard’s never going to die.
7. SEC – Memphis: The true power conference, the SEC is now saddled with the joy of TWO picks. With initial targets Miami, WVU, and VT off the board, we had to put some thought into who we’d take next. Substituting one UT in-state rival for another, UM gets its chance to put up or shut up with the rest of the big boys in the Southeastern conference. This move was favored by NFL star DeAngelo Williams, but basketball coach John Calipari has been seen weeping underneath his desk.
Coming Soon: Round Two!