The How-To Guide for Preparing for College Football season

Here at H2DN, we’re getting very excited. I mean, just look at us. Shaking, anxiety, hard nipples – face it, we’re fucking stoked. But as the leaders of college football blogosphere, we’re here to offer some of the tips we use to make each football season better than the rest. So buck up college students. This is more important than books, study guides and those multi-million dollar daycare centers we call Universities.

The Offseason – or the Hangover:

Your team has just played its bowl game, the seniors are graduating with their degrees in turf management and sociology and your best players are leaving for the NFL. What do you do? Well, this is tough, but you have to manage. Here are some items you should stock up on for the offseason:

• Beer. Nothing takes away the withdrawal of sweet, sweet football like sweet, sweet beer. During the season, you want as much beer as possible, but not that its over, splurge. Get the finest your city has to offer. Foreign? Even better. In a bottle? Fantastic.
• Subscriptions to any and all preview magazines/websites you can find. Eat this shit up. Did SoOnErGuRLy34 say Oklahoma was going undefeated next year on her Geocities page? Awesome. Does Lou Holtz talk about your team saying things like, “Hrghmhrmpmdphf” and “Hphm mpegh mphpm!”? You’re in. I think.
• Tissues. Stay with me on this one. The offseason is a harsh and lonely time. You’ll be forced to do things on Saturday like going to the mall with your girlfriend, watching cartoons in your underwear at 4 pm. or – God forbid – go to work. Even your Sundays and Mondays will be devoid of pro football. (We are aware of Thursday games, but nobody really cares about those teams). While your days may be ok, and you may continue to live a productive life, one thing remains constant for every college football fan in the world. Late at night, laying in your bed next to the drunk, kind of fat chick you took home from the bar, you’ll cry. Not because you just boned a female that makes your jerseys skintight, but because there is no football for you to revel in. Its a hard time, and there will be tears. Use those tissues, man up, and tell your friends you were whacking off.

School’s In – but for some time, still no football:

You’re excited. So are we. This is the time where it drags the most. You have to fork out all kinds of money for classes, books, and roofies and there’s no football for relief. That’s ok, you can still do your best for you team to prepare. Ask mom and dad for grocery money, take that along with the money you were supposed to use for books and head out shopping. You’ve got work to do.

Hit the bookstore on campus first. This way, your credit card bills still say “University Bookstore” when the parents look. But you’re not here to get books, champ. Head to the clothes. Get every thing you can thing of with your team’s name on it: shirts, hats, coats, pants, socks, face paint, license plates, bumper stickers, shot glasses, beer glasses, underwear, condoms – whatever you can find, buy it. The team and school need that money so they can continue to pay recruits under the table (Note: H2DN wants to congratulate Notre Dame fans for this very thing. They spent loads and loads of money, and in turn, were able to pay countless women to sleep with the ugliest man on earth, Jimmy Clausen).

Next, Walmart. Don’t waste your time on other grocery stores, you need things in high quantity, and low quality. Stock up on the following things:

• Cheap beer: You need the most bang for you buck. You need shit you can pour in cups, pitchers, funnels or any other drinking device you can find. The time before and after a game is sacred, and the less money you spend, the better.
• Meat: You can’t have football without meat. Buy everything you can, as much as you can, because you need to show the other tailgaters you aren’t some sort of pussy.
• Ummmm…. get more beer.
• Seriously. Beer. Natural Light. Milwuakee’s Best. Just get it.

Finally. One last stop. Just run by the gun store and pick yourself up a pistol. No big deal what kind. Just grab a box of bullets. Any will do. Whatever. No big deal*.

Kickoff, or “OH MY GOD I’M SO FUCKING EXCITED”

This part is easy. Go back and take everything you’ve gathered, and put it to good use. Go out, get drunk, go to games and do whatever you can stay that way. This is what people dream of. This is the best time of your life. Enjoy it. It’s motherfucking football season.

*After your team loses its first game, abandon hope of a national championship and load this damn thing in a drunken stupor. After your friends wrestle it away from you, you’ll be able to pull yourself out of the high that the drug of football provides, and from then on you’ll be ok.

Note from the Author: I have no idea who the passed-out guy in the first picture is. Really. No idea. Its definitely not me. Definitely.