News in Brief: Football’s Back!

College football spans all 50 states (while quality college football is confined to about 14), so there’s a lot to digest, even for those just skimming box scores. This means plenty of stories are out of the eyes of the public. Here’s some of the more interesting from the first week of football, August 30th to September 3rd.

Steve & Barry’s Reports Record Sales

Steve & Barry’s, a clothing outlet store specializing in reduced-priced collegiate clothing, has reported that September 2nd was the single highest day of sales in the store’s 22-year history.

Steven Shore, one of the founders of the chain, said “Normally, we’re used to huge sales. Many freshman students want to pick up a large variety of t-shirts to support their school, and our low prices allow them to get a variety of clothing.”

He continued, “The figure we were most surprised to see was our Ann Arbor store, where the traditionally Michigan crowd bought our entire supply of Michigan State sweatshirts and t-shirts. I honestly don’t know how to explain it.”

Reports of Domestic Violence Surround Clemson

While celebrating Labor Day, a time where families get together to celebrate the last 3-day weekend before winter, one family gathering was marred by substantiated reports of domestic violence.

ESPN, the AP, and Sports Illustrated reported that Tommy Bowden savagely beat his father, Bobby Bowden, for 45 minutes Monday night. He was strongly assisted by Cullen Harper, a local university student. “It was awesome,” Harper said.

When Bobby Bowden was asked if he would ever recover, the sprightly 77 was optimistic. “You never know. The season’s too young,” he said.

Authorities were worried that a similar event would occur in Happy Valley, but Anthony Morelli was reported to be doing very well this year.

Texas Fan to Receive Much-Needed Surgery

You may have already heard the tragic tale of Brian Thomas, a University of Texas fan who had his scrotum ripped by Sooner Allen Beckett. Well, happily there’s a positive outlook for Thomas. Dr. Nathanial Jones, who practices surgery in College Station, Texas, has agreed to preform the surgery Thomas needs for free.

“It’s not right what happened. That’s not Oklahoma’s business,” Dr. Jones said in a statement released Wednesday morning. “If anything, it’s the Aggie nation that should be operating on a Longhorn’s scrotum.”

No word on exactly when Brian Thomas has scheduled the operation, but Jones has been optimistic that it would be “extremely soon. I wouldn’t even need anesthetics. Just a few beers and a nice, Crocodile Dundee-esque knife.”

Colt Brennan Glad Everyone’s Forgotten About His Sexual Assault Charge

Colt Brennan, QB for Hawai’i and Heisman hopeful, while passing for over 400 yards and 6 touchdowns in a game against Northern Colorado, was relieved to find out that neither the game announcers nor any of the post-game writeups mentioned the fact that he was accused of sexual assault while at Colorado.

“You know, it was really my word against hers. I’m glad that the media at-large chose to champion my impressive stats, instead of focusing on what may or may not have really happened,” Brennan told nobody in particular. “Instead, the big debate is whether or not my numbers are a product of a system. I can’t tell you how relived my girlfriend and I are.”

Rafael Mendoza, who last year stabbed the punter who was ahead of him on the depth chart, was not so lucky to go unmentioned, ESPN.com reports.

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