HEAVEN – Tonight’s winner of the Heavenly Heisman was no surprise really. Jesus Christ, Personal Lord and Savior to Christians Everywhere, won for a stunning 313th year in a row, beating out the Prophet Muhammed, may Peace be upon Him, for a record 40th year (Abraham edged Buddha for third place). As expected, Christ’s foot soldiers on the battlefield we know as the Gridiron won this award for him, opening massive holes in their spread option offense with an amazing receiving corps led by Sts. Augustine and Alphonse.
A tearful Jesus took the podium, heralded by a choir of cherubim, pointing to the sky and thanking God, the Father Almighty. He nodded silently while the audience gave him a standing ovation, finally gently motioning for them to sit down. “I’d first like to thank my family, God and Mary, my step-dad Joseph; you guys have been phenomenal, thanks for being there for everything!” He began. “I’d like to thank Tim Tebow for believing in me so firmly. You’re the best buddy – don’t ever change. I’d like to thank all the angels and the saints, they’re my supporting cast and I have to represent for them – ya’ll know this is for you! I’m so proud just to be able to play football at this level and it’s a real honor to get to be back here this year!” His next few sentences were unintelligible and may have been in Aramaic.
“I’d like to thank Tim Tebow again,” he continued. “Tim Tebow really stood by me through this whole way and my relationship with him has never been stronger.” Jesus finally lifted His golden trophy above His angelic head and shook it triumphantly. “I love all of you!” He exclaimed and left the stage, to be met by Muhammed (Peace be upon Him), who gave him a big hug.
A great night of real humility capped off with a beautiful presentation. Congratulations, Jesus, it was well deserved!