Jesus Christ wins Heavenly Heisman, thanks Tebow

December 23, 2007

HEAVEN – Tonight’s winner of the Heavenly Heisman was no surprise really. Jesus Christ, Personal Lord and Savior to Christians Everywhere, won for a stunning 313th year in a row, beating out the Prophet Muhammed, may Peace be upon Him, for a record 40th year (Abraham edged Buddha for third place). As expected, Christ’s foot soldiers on the battlefield we know as the Gridiron won this award for him, opening massive holes in their spread option offense with an amazing receiving corps led by Sts. Augustine and Alphonse.

A tearful Jesus took the podium, heralded by a choir of cherubim, pointing to the sky and thanking God, the Father Almighty. He nodded silently while the audience gave him a standing ovation, finally gently motioning for them to sit down. “I’d first like to thank my family, God and Mary, my step-dad Joseph; you guys have been phenomenal, thanks for being there for everything!” He began. “I’d like to thank Tim Tebow for believing in me so firmly. You’re the best buddy – don’t ever change. I’d like to thank all the angels and the saints, they’re my supporting cast and I have to represent for them – ya’ll know this is for you! I’m so proud just to be able to play football at this level and it’s a real honor to get to be back here this year!” His next few sentences were unintelligible and may have been in Aramaic.

“I’d like to thank Tim Tebow again,” he continued. “Tim Tebow really stood by me through this whole way and my relationship with him has never been stronger.” Jesus finally lifted His golden trophy above His angelic head and shook it triumphantly. “I love all of you!” He exclaimed and left the stage, to be met by Muhammed (Peace be upon Him), who gave him a big hug.

A great night of real humility capped off with a beautiful presentation. Congratulations, Jesus, it was well deserved!


Case Western Receives Mathlete Rose Bowl Bid over Rensselaer Polytechnic – Tradition Blamed

December 4, 2007

As well we know, Mathletics are a major part of any University’s repertoire of activities – without Mathletes, where would national powerhouses like Carnegie Mellon and University of California Riverside be? Nowhere, that’s where! To build a successful program to attract the nations top Mathletes, you need to exhibit not only the facilities but also the following and environment that stimulates the mathlete – not unlike the athlete. However, he or she can be swayed by a school’s tradition and history of success, not merely wins and losses. Part of those winning ways are folded into the tradition – but that’s why it’s important to allow for up and coming Mathletics programs to try their hands at the Great-Grandaddy of Them All – the Mathlete Rose Bowl.
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Don’t Like Crazyness? Come To The Wac!

October 11, 2007

A special message from Karl Benson, commisioner of the Western Athletic Conference.

Hello out there! Karl here, inviting all the fans of some traditional college football out west for some WAC-tion! Now, I love college football, and I know there’s plenty of people that love college football too. Which is why I’m proud to invite some fellow college football fans to watch some unexciting WAC action this weekend.

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The How-To Guide for Preparing for College Football season

August 16, 2007

Here at H2DN, we’re getting very excited. I mean, just look at us. Shaking, anxiety, hard nipples – face it, we’re fucking stoked. But as the leaders of college football blogosphere, we’re here to offer some of the tips we use to make each football season better than the rest. So buck up college students. This is more important than books, study guides and those multi-million dollar daycare centers we call Universities. Read the rest of this entry »

NFL Supports Sissyfication of America

August 14, 2007

Here is a simple three step how-to guide on turning manly sports like football, NASCAR, and competitive hot dog eating into a “sport” for girls like soccer, tennis, and baseball:

Step one: Enact seemingly minor rule changes to promote safety

No sport can consider itself manly without the fear of instantaneous death. The Aztecs got it right when they introduced tlachtli to the professional sporting world. Although tossing a rubber ball into a small hoop might seem innocuous, losing meant guaranteed disembowelment for sacrifice to the gods. I doubt ESPN would think of LeBron James as very NOW from the bottom of a 100-foot pit.

Changing the “roughing the passer” penalty into the “ruffling with the passer’s hair” penalty is one such example of sissyfication. Why else would someone have tuned into Houston Texans games except for the chance to brag that they were watching live the day that David Carr was assassinated by a cornerback blitz?

Step two: Alienate the heroes of the league

Pacman Jones and Michael Vick should have medals pinned on their chest after their heroic service among two of the worst franchises in the league. And yet, the second a little trouble appears on the horizon, the league decides to these players to the dogs.

Step three: Invite Oprah to be involved with your sport

This should be the simplest and most obvious step to avoid. And yet, the NFL insists on inviting Oprah to ESPN’s Monday Night Football.

Oprah is the hive queen of housewives and housewives-to-be all across the country. If anything, we should be sending troops ala Starship Troopers to bomb the fuck out of her before her slimy tentacles grab hold of more hapless viewers. The last thing we, as the manliest of men, want is our wives to force us to read more shitty books or learn the art of Step Counting.